Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
