3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
