I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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