I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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