In the future we'll all be gay
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
