You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
