we have pet lesbian snakes
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
