He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
