so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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