u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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