I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize