I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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