Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
