Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
