yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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