Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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