I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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