bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
