The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
