I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
it's like iHOP with fire
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
