His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
