My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
