do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
