Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
