Already got asked if we're dating
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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