You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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