You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
