Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
