I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
