My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
