I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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