just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
