Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
