Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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