Who did Billy Mays play for?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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