Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
