You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
