there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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