I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
