....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
