She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
