I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
