i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize