***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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