I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize