her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
