I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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