Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
