Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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