i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Come on in and take your pants off
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