Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
