was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
