I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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