Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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