drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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