she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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