Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my shit smells like andre
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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