Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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