No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
