Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
