Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
