new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
